a good cry .

a good cry would help me. probably do me some good. wouldnt fix my problems but at least i wouldnt be so depressed all the time . i mean walking around putting on a fake smile all the time would be fine i guess. but then you begin to get tired of it and all you want to do is cry. i mean most people think what does she have to cry about ? sometimes i ask myself the same question. but then i begin to think well my life is fucked. people dont see it cause i tend not to let people in. people who know me really dont know me or at least they think they do. but hell i dont even know myself half the time. sometimes im up in everyones face laughing or joking around and then the next minute all i want to do is go home and read. and i mean like for hours. cause when i read its like a fantasy. one that i could never live and its better then lighten up my pipe. ah drugs. what a magical thing. until they stop working and then your screwed. cause you know you have to use something stronger. and you know things from here on are going to get worse. so i stopped. many people asked my why i stopped the smoking & drinking and i usually answer " its bad for you " but honestly it just stopped working for me . the high wasnt there anymore and i knew if i wanted something stronger that i was going to mess up my life even more. i'll never forget that day walking into french class and seeing two people who were my friends not my best friends but just friends and they gave me look of sadness that even on the drugs i could feel i did something wrong. after fourth period i felt like crap and the high became more then nothing. i literally threw away a gram into the garbage and said i would never touch it. i mean i have but it wasnt to get high it was just something to do at the moment. but i begin to think if those two friends of mine could change such a important part in my life where was the people i thought were my best friends the ones who should of been stopping me instead of couraging me ? yea , where were those friends ?