so pull the trigger cause it never gets closer.

i have a problem and i need your help.
see every time you look my direction you dont look at me but pass me
and when i look at you , you seem not to notice ?
so tell me why cant you leave my thoughts and why do i need you to fall asleep at night ?
and as the days go on without any hope , i begin to doubt myself .
and when the nights become easier to fall asleep without the creeping image of your face in my dreams i will believe that their is no chance for me and you .
but see the problem im having is that every time i see you my dreams become full of the what "ifs".
im lacking sleep and the dreams are becoming imaginary.
one day, i will have the courage to tell you that because of you i cant fall asleep at night.


- random stuff. put together. might use in book im writing ?

do you know how cute you are ?
when you walk with that baggy hat and tight jeans.

:

i grew up in a big city.
moved to a small town not so long ago.
school is something that i pass the time with.
music has become my life.
i never leave the house without my ipod.
going to be able to drive soon.
i have many friends.
i tend to be stuck on one guy at the moment.
he doesnt know i exist.
story of my life.

the great golden baby.

"see the difference between me and you is that you are stronger then me. and to you i will always be the one that could never make a difference. but one day i shall grow up and never forget you. because you are the one who taught me to always look down at myself. "

- cassiefaria.

(L)

* inspiration (LLL)

left your t.shirt in my room
still smells of you
and the picture you hung on the door
lay smashed, picture perfect
explains now
clearly nothing left but a memory
we only made out you never kissed me thats how i learned to hold back all feeling

wait, please don't go
i wont stay
all these words on replay
im okay
its all right
good to know that youre fine

pretending everything is right to make it better
i'll hide my make-up smeared eyes
to show that im fine

some how you have managed to get under my skin
more than anyone ever did
and if every hole makes a scar
and every scar marks its place
then i will never live freely without your trace
and it'll never be fair
i wrote my songs for you and you never even cared
so i'll forget you
i'll wash your t.shirt and kill the pillow
and cut you out of pictures

wait, please dont go
i wont stay
all these words on replay
im okay
its all right
good to know that youre fine

pretending everything is right to make it better i'll hide my make-up smeared eyes

this drama sat shotgun
my eyes rained like autumn
only the glove box knows how the story goes
now that this bandage is broken
and the cuts left in open
i'll tell you just one thing
this wasnt worth the sting.

that girl .

" do you even understand what i do for you to notice me ? the changes i put myself through for you to take one glance at me. see you had my hopes up high and as quickly as you brought them up you also quickly made them tumble down. and with the disappointment that i wasnt the one you thought of at night nor the girl you couldn't stop thinking about i realized that i could never be that girl. i could never be that girl that made you smiled when she texted you a simple hello or the girl that you daydreamed in class about. because to be that girl you would have to notice me and thats something you havent done lately. i understand we were never close and maybe we will never be but what you did to me a long week over summer sunshine and the glow of the night is something that will never be forgotten. what you wrote was magical and sometimes i think you wrote that to me. but see im not that girl in the poem and not the girl that remains in your life as your number one. "


- inspired by an acquaintance that i try to hold hard on to .

some more venting of a over dramtic teenager .

so many things happen in a persons life .
people say the events in your life are the things that influence you the most , make you a better person .

but what if those events only make you something you wish never came to be.
what if those events in your life make you shake your head everyday and ask yourself why does this always happen to me ? you think because all these misfortunes are happening to you that you'll have it easy in a year from now , makes sense right ? to bad life doesnt work like that . some just happen to experience the finer things in life . and i dont mean cars & money which is also very nice to have but i mean to have the luck always in your direction . to not have to worry about yourself and others 24/7.

let me ask you a question ?
does it make me a insensitive bitch that i stopped worrying about my mom having cancer ?
does it make me a awful daughter ?
does it mean im going to hell ?
cause if so then im screwed.

> when people find out that my mom is ill or something they always go sorry , i say dont worry about it and act like it doesnt bother me. they all give me confused looks. if you had to live with a person who none stop deals with her sickness for four years staright you start to get angry with all the sorries. i know you mean well but you saying sorry does not make her better doesnt change everything. doesnt make her get out of the bed in the morning. doesnt make her come out of the hospital any faster. so i guess im a pretty horrible daughter huh ?

> i deal with many issues to . a lot more complicated then a flu or cancer. i deal with this illness everyday always around my mind. stealing my focus during class and with others. it brings me into this darkness that others cant come in. many might say thats awesome to have a place to go to when you want to be alone in your own very head. but mine is oh so much different then this. i go into a place where thoughts are also very darkened.

> lets just say things dont come easy to me . thats including luck .

somethings are going on right now in my life that eventually cant come to a good ending. i guess these events that i oh so look forward to happening are the events that will shape me when im older . lucky me.